For What to Expect's "What I Wish I'd Known" series, moms and dads share the wisdom they've gained since first becoming parents.
I reached my breaking point on a long drive home, trapped in gridlock as my two daughters were crying in the backseat — one wanted to listen to the Trolls soundtrack, the other wanted more juice. I just had a grueling long day, and soon found myself sobbing right along with them. Something had to give.
At the time, I handled all of the shuttling between school and extracurricular activities, while keeping the house clean, maintaining the family’s schedule and working full-time. Oh, and I was seven months pregnant with a third girl.
My husband, on the other hand, didn't have a care in the world beyond work while at the office and enjoyed a peaceful drive home, alone. At least that's how I saw it.
That night, when my husband finally did get home, I gave him an earful. Yelling at him didn’t help me feel any better or solve our problems, but it was my wake-up call. We needed to see a couples counselor.
Working with a therapist to create a schedule of household responsibilities saved our marriage and my sanity. I wish more parents knew how helpful it can be and had the resources to do the same. Here's how counseling helped us nurture our relationship after having kids.
I had to realize where my resentment came from
I wouldn't trade being a wife and mother for the world but it's also incredibly overwhelming and stressful. At the time, I handled the kids' transportation and schedules, most of the household chores, my career as a college professor, and so on — all while pregnant. It had all taken an emotional, physical, and mental toll, and I was left wondering why I had ended up shouldering so much of the work compared to my husband.
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Before our first counseling appointment, I thought the therapist would mainly tell my husband he needed to help more, which wasn't the case. Instead, I was told to reflect on my actions. I realized that I had rarely asked for help. I expected my husband to read my mind and assist me where and when needed. Meanwhile, he thought that I had everything covered.
"Conflicting gender roles and expectations typically cause this," explains Janelle Watson, a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Los Angeles area and owner of Embrace Wellness. "One partner is left carrying the brunt of the daily responsibilities and eventually grows weary."
Our upbringings were somewhat different, and I expected my husband to do more of the things that my father had done with me as a child, like taking me to school and helping with cleaning and cooking. But my husband's mother had handled most of their household’s day-to-day activities — including transporting kids where they needed to be, keeping up with school schedules and maintaining their house — when he was a child.
While we had talked about some of these things while we were dating, what we needed from each other now had changed a lot since before we had children. Seeing a therapist helped us realize where our different expectations — and the differences in our workloads — came from.
With a counselor, we created a new schedule that worked for our family
Going to couples counseling was one of the best decisions that we have made as a couple. One of the biggest benefits was that, with the counselor's help, we established a fair and firm schedule to divide household responsibilities.
I would handle drop-off and pickup for our oldest daughter, and he would handle drop-off and pickup for our youngest two. This was a big change; not having to drive across town in traffic to get the kids lightened my load significantly.
Getting the kids dressed and out the door was also something we needed to work on. At one point, I was responsible for getting the kids ready and packing the diaper bags and backpacks that needed to leave the house with us. But after counseling, that all changed. While I still get the kids dressed and make lunches on most days, my husband now cleans the bottles and packs the bags.
But one of the most significant changes that we made was hiring help. We hired a housekeeper to clean our house once every few weeks, someone to help with transportation for our children when we're busy and, most importantly, a date-night babysitter. While I know this isn't affordable for everyone, it was something we decided to prioritize in our family budget.
We've since used the same schedule for over a year, and while we're still busy and life is still hectic, having a shared understanding of our roles has changed everything.
Tips and tricks to divide the work of parenting
If you're feeling similarly overwhelmed post-baby, here are some tips and tricks for addressing the problem, according to Watson and Anthony Franklin, Ed.D., a licensed professional counselor in Houston, Texas.
1. Be honest with yourself
It's common for people to agree to take on more than they can handle, Watson says. In many cases, people would rather put more on their plate than risk conflict with their partner.
But this approach only continues the vicious cycle of feeling overwhelmed, depleted and isolated. Be realistic about what you can do and what you need.
2. Ask for support
Looking back, not asking for help was the single worst thing I could have done, increasing both my stress and my resentment toward my husband.
If you feel reluctant to ask for help, that could be a larger issue that you may need to work through in counseling. Do the work, talk to a professional if necessary, and start asking for the support you need so that you and your family can live a better quality of life.
3. Prioritize time for yourself and time as a couple.
As a wife and mother of three, my self-care regimen was nonexistent. But now, I realize I need to prioritize time for myself, whether it's taking a 20-minute walk or having coffee with a friend.
"Self-care will look different for everyone," Watson says. "The point is not what you do, but that you do something for yourself that brings you joy that doesn't center you, your partner or your children."
The same goes for making special time for you and your partner. "Date nights can be as simple as having a movie night at home or working out together," Watson says. "It doesn't matter what you do. Just do something together that makes you both happy that doesn't involve your kids."
4. Stay the course but remain flexible
As with any change in routine, the first few weeks after creating the schedule can be the hardest, but remain diligent.
"I always tell my clients to have the calendar posted somewhere in their house where everyone can see it and look at it each morning when they wake up and each night before bed," says Dr. Franklin. "This reinforces the day's tasks and the flow everyone needs to follow for the house to run smoothly. This also helps to prevent straying away from the schedule over time."
It's also important to remain flexible. Life changes, and there will be times when you may need to make temporary or permanent changes to the schedule, which is fine. Make sure the changes are fair, balanced and feel right for you and your partner, Dr. Franklin advises.
5. Remember that you're a team
It's easy for resentment to build between you and your partner. Without realizing it, I was beginning to see my husband as my enemy when it came to tasks related to our house and children. By seeing a counselor, I was able to recognize him as my teammate once again.
It can be scary to process feelings of resentment or to discuss feeling overwhelmed, but it's so worth it. Seeing a therapist was one of the best decisions we made. We divided up labor in a way that worked well for both of us, and we're better at effectively communicating our wants and needs to one another. We're both happier, and our marriage is stronger because of it.
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