At a New York City bar on a cold winter night, guests shuffle in and receive tiny glass bottles full of silver glitter. It's "baby dust," explains Matt Tolbert, a symbol of well-wishes and hope for the surrogacy journey he and his husband, Joshua Gonzales, are embarking on to become parents. "Anytime they see [the bottle, our guests will] think about our children and our surrogates and send up a little prayer," Matt says.
Matt planned this baby dusting party to celebrate the day that one of their two surrogates underwent an embryo transfer. Matt and Joshua have hoped to become biological parents for as long as they can remember. "We always knew we wanted to have children eventually, but we didn't know what that looked like," Matt says. "We didn't really know how that'd be possible."
The couple struggled with the high costs of surrogacy in the United States. They began reading testimonials from couples who successfully used international surrogates and are now working with two surrogates in Mexico to help them have children of their own.
Matt came up with the idea for a baby dusting party earlier this year because he didn't want the embryo transfer day to go unnoticed: "If we didn't plan something, it would be just like any other day: the two of us at home, probably watching TV and feeling so separated from what's happening with our surrogacy journeys."
Along with the glittering party favor, the party evening included other elements inspired by the transfer process. There were four types of french fries — because the salt or grease is said to help the embryos stick during in vitro fertilization — plus trays of sliders to represent "a bun in the oven." "Just a little cheesy thing — getting my dad jokes in early to set the mood," Matt chuckles.
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What is a baby dusting party?
A baby dusting party, as described by Matt, is a way to get your support system together to send good vibes ahead of an embryo transfer procedure. With awareness of how unpredictable the surrogacy journey can be, Matt knew he wanted one thing: to be surrounded by the love and support of their family and friends and to produce as much positivity as possible.
"It's such a nerve-wracking moment to have an embryo transfer, and it's such a momentous day that we want to remember," Matt says.
The name was inspired by the term "baby dust," which is used to wish good luck to someone trying to conceive. "Dusting kind of felt like the right verb and a cute term," Matt says. "As far as I know, the name didn't exist until now, so maybe other people will follow this trend."
How to have your own baby dusting party
If you're considering hopping on the bandwagon, there's a lot of room for you to make your event special and unique to your journey. A baby dusting party can celebrate an upcoming surrogacy, IVF implantation, IUI procedure or another method of conception. And it doesn't have to be grand or spectacular. Regardless of how you'll conceive, the idea is simply to be surrounded by your loved ones during a significant time in your life.
Iron out the details
You can host an intimate gathering at your house or at a venue in your town. Matt and Joshua wanted something laid back and informal, so rather than renting out a space, they all just met at a bar as any group of friends normally would.
Identify those in your support system
You don't have to invite everyone to a baby dusting. Consider whose support you truly want on your journey, and then identify who you want to be in attendance.
Matt and Joshua's family live in Texas, and their surrogates are in Mexico. Since they only learned the date of the embryo transfers a few days in advance, their baby dusting party included just local family and friends. You can take that route, or invite out-of-town guests if their presence is really important to you. Another option: Mail bottles of baby dust to those far-off friends, or ask them for letters of well wishes.
Be creative
A baby dusting party can be as big or as small, formal or informal, as you want it to be.
At Matt and Johsua's party, guests received bracelets to wear as a reminder to send good vibes for the couple's surrogacy journey, along with notecards to write messages to the babies.
"I think that's something important, something that we can take home and also be able to share with the children as they grow older so they can understand where they came from and the community that's there to love and support them," Matt says.
Know that you can celebrate other ways
It's important to not become wedded to just one idea of what a baby dusting should look like or that you have to do it for every single implantation procedure, Matt says. Since it can take multiple embryo transfers to result in a successful pregnancy, he wanted to host something small yet meaningful that they could repeat or modify as needed.
His husband was initially hesitant about the party for that exact reason. "He was thinking that we might have to do this over and over again and it might be too heartbreaking — like what is the mood going to be if it's the fourth one?" Matt says. "Everyone has the right to change their mind, so what we commit to for the first one doesn't necessarily mean we have to commit to it for every single one."
Let your community in
The main objective of throwing a baby dusting party is to include loved ones in the journey with you.
"This is a way to keep your spirits up and to be surrounded by your community, your chosen family, so that you're not feeling alone going through this process," Matt says. "It's important for others to see and know that while it can be a difficult process, it is all expected and you do have people who love you and want to be there for you."
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