I didn't go into pregnancy imagining my ideal delivery. All I thought I wanted was to leave with a healthy baby and my own health. Still, some part of me expected that I'd go into labor spontaneously, get an epidural and hope for the best from there.
Then, when I was three months pregnant, my OB/GYN shared the news: "You won't be able to get an epidural," she said. "And we'll want to induce you so we can control your labor." As it turns out, I have a rare bleeding disorder. I was asymptomatic — lived nearly 30 years without as much as a bloody nose — so I was shocked when my OB/GYN ultimately told me this would impact my birth plan.
At 39 weeks pregnant, my scheduled induction began as planned, but after 40 hours and zero dilation, the on-call OB/GYN decided it was safest for me to have a C-section.
When you can't get an epidural due to a bleeding disorder, you likely also can't be awake for your C-section (administering spinal anesthesia could lead to bleeding in patients with clotting disorders, a risk the anesthesiologist would not take in my case). So my husband sat in the waiting room while I had a surgical birth under general anesthesia. When I finally awoke and was strong enough to hold my healthy baby boy, he was already four hours old.
After months of therapy, I'm able to admit that I was disappointed by my birth. It took me that long to name my feelings because I'm also very grateful — to have had a medical care team who listened to my concerns, was trained in my condition and prioritized my safety. I know not every mom-to-be can say the same. I didn't think I was allowed to be so grateful and wish things had gone differently. I am healthy, my baby is healthy, how could I dare admit I was disappointed?
When Birth Doesn't Go According to Plan
Disappointment can happen when your delivery doesn't go according to plan
Even though my birth plan was written for me early in my pregnancy, I still mourned the birth I thought I was going to get to have. According to a recent survey from What to Expect, 15% of moms say that their delivery was entirely different than they expected it to be.
"When we anticipate an event in our lives, we often create a certain story or narrative of how that should look," says Pam Skop, a licensed mental health counselor and certified Birthsmarter childbirth educator. "Birth is no exception to this."
That difference between expectations and reality can be difficult to cope with. "There can be some levels of grief that come with an experience that looks different than what we thought it should be," says Skop. "With birth disappointment, there is an ability to hold two feelings at once." We can celebrate the things that went to plan and grieve what didn't.
Unplanned C-sections and having to be induced are the two most common causes for a less-than-ideal birth, according to the What to Expect survey:
There are ways to process your feelings, even if they don't fully go away
While most What to Expect moms say they feel proud of how their labor and delivery went, 27% have mixed feelings and 9% are disappointed.
With time, your loving feelings for your child will likely outweigh any disappointment you might have felt at their birth, says Paige Bellenbaum, LCSW, PMH-C, the founding director and chief external relations officer at The Motherhood Center. But for the intensity of these feelings to fade, morph or change, you'll want to address them head-on when you are ready, she says.
Here's how to navigate your postpartum experience if your birth didn't go how you hoped it would:
Give yourself time and grace
While you're navigating what just happened, you're also learning how to care for a new baby, recovering from a major medical event and probably not getting enough sleep. Take small moments to breathe and allow yourself to sit with your feelings, even if you're not quite sure what they are just yet, suggests Skop.
"The postpartum period can be an extremely challenging one with so much happening in the body and mind," she says. "Show up with self-compassion for your experience."
Name what you are feeling
It's important to identify your feelings, even when they are hard to label. "It may be disappointment, grief, mourning what was," says Bellenbaum.
And it's okay to admit that you have feelings beyond your excitement for your baby and everything that's to come in parenthood."You have permission to feel these feelings," she says. "They don't mean you are a bad mom."
Share your story
It can be helpful to explore your feelings with someone close to you. It's empowering to say, "I am feeling disappointed because I didn't have the birth I wanted," says Bellenbaum, who also suggests confiding in friends or family members who have had similar experiences. They will be able to truly understand what you've been through — and what you're currently working through. The What to Expect Community can also be a great resource for sharing your feelings anonymously and finding others who can relate.
Seek professional support
Sometimes, talking to a therapist or other mental health professional who is not a close family member or friend can be very helpful — and there's nothing wrong with needing that.
"You do not have to experience something ‘traumatic' for your feelings to be valid and to seek out help and support," Skop says. "Allow yourself to find support and accept support as it's needed to navigate motherhood."
If you have friends or family who have been through something similar, ask if they have therapist recommendations. Or, turn to local online communities, like Facebook for recommendations. If you're having trouble finding someone in your area or prefer the flexibility of virtual sessions, online therapy platforms can be a great option. Additionally, if you need immediate support, Postpartum Support International can help connect you with someone to talk to.
Plan for the future
What if you want to have another baby – will the same feelings be triggered the next time? Not necessarily: "The power of perspective is a superpower when you are thinking about a pregnancy or postpartum with another child," says Bellenbaum. "You know this phase isn't going to last forever; you didn't know that the last time."
She suggests looking back on your previous pregnancy and birth and taking inventory: In retrospect, what did you need that you didn't have? Maybe it's an extra advocate in the delivery room so you'll hire a doula or more options for pain management and a birthing class can help introduce a plan.
For my second birth, I went to the hospital knowing I would be having a C-section under general anesthesia, and that mental preparation made all the difference. Talk to your provider about the things that you would like to know or do before going into your next birth to help you feel more in control. "That sense of control is so important moving into a subsequent birth," Bellenbaum says.
Methodology
The Everyday Health Group Pregnancy & Parenting Talk to Moms® Monthly Poll was conducted by Everyday Health Group – Pregnancy and Parenting between January 28 and 29, 2025. We surveyed 387 U.S. respondents aged 18 to 45 who have at least one child up to 5 years old. The survey was fielded among the Dynata Research Panel.
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